Moving with children

Moving can be a huge source of stress for a child, especially when it involves major changes like a new school, a new daycare, or a new neighbourhood. Even for us as adults, moving is a stressful life experience!

Why is moving experienced differently by a parent and a child?

The main difference is that the decision usually comes from us, the parent. We understand the reasons behind the move, we have an idea of what awaits us, and we often feel like we have some control over the situation.

For our children, it's a whole other story. They didn't choose to move and, depending on their age, they don't always understand why the change is necessary. They may have to leave behind friends they love, significant adults in their lives, and places that give them a sense of security. So it's perfectly normal for them to experience different emotions during this time.

According to attachment theory developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, children need stable landmarks to feel safe. During a move, many of these landmarks change at the same time: the house, the neighbourhood, the neighbours, the school, or the daycare. Even when the move is positive for the family, it still represents a period of adjustment for the child.

What reactions can you expect from your child during a move?

Every child reacts in their own way. Some will be excited about having a new room or discovering a new neighbourhood. Others will have more difficulty accepting the change.

A child may be sad to leave their friends, neighbourhood, or daycare. They may also have trouble imagining their life in a new house or school and may not be able to foresee the next steps of the move. They may also fear losing their landmarks or precious objects (Naître et grandir).

Your child may experience several emotions about the upcoming move, such as:

sadness
worry
anger
disappointment
excitement
curiosity.

And sometimes, these emotions aren't expressed with words. In younger children, you might notice more crying, difficulty at bedtime, an increased need to be close to you, or even a slight regression in certain habits. In school-aged children, concerns often revolve around friends, activities, or fitting in at a new school.

Your child might have all sorts of questions, like: Will I like my new school? Will I make friends? Will my friends forget about me? Will I be able to continue my sport on my team if I move to a different city?

As a parent, our instinct is often to want to reassure quickly. Yet, what helps the most is often listening to and accepting what our child is going through.

Sometimes, a simple "I understand that you're sad" or "It's true that it can be stressful" is worth much more than a long explanation.

How can you prepare your child for the move?

The preparation will depend a lot on your child's age and their ability to understand what's coming.

Preschool-aged children
At this age, losses often involve daycare, neighbourhood friends, and daily routines.

You can reassure your child by explaining that they'll meet new friends and discover new places. But above all, don't hesitate to acknowledge that leaving what we love can be difficult.

Young children understand more when they can see things concretely. If possible, show them pictures of the new house, neighbourhood, or daycare. A little visit can also make a big difference.
School-aged children
For older children, the losses may seem even more significant: friends, school, extracurricular activities, sports teams, or significant teachers.

At this age, children are often able to express their concerns and imagine all sorts of scenarios. Take the time to listen to them.

You won't always have a reassuring answer to offer, and that's okay.

Sometimes, your child will experience real disappointment. Maybe they'll actually have to leave their sports team or won't be able to see their friends as often as before. The important thing isn't to eliminate all difficult emotions, but rather to help your child get through them.

Creating new landmarks for the child during a move

When we leave a place, we lose certain landmarks. But we also have the opportunity to create new ones. To help your child project themselves into their new life, you can visit the new neighbourhood, explore nearby parks, walk around their future school, ask for a school visit before the start of the school year, discover local shops or activities. The more your child can visualize their future environment, the less unknown and worrying it will seem.

How to preserve connections and memories when moving?

For many children, one of the biggest fears related to moving is losing the people they love. You can help by keeping the contact information of important friends and showing them how they can continue to stay in touch. You can also create a small memory album with photos of friends, educators, teachers, the house, or places that marked their daily life. These memories often become very precious during the adjustment period.

Using books to open the discussion about moving

I find that books are often wonderful tools for supporting children during times of transition. Stories allow children to put words to what they're experiencing, recognize certain emotions, and realize that they're not alone in going through this kind of change.

You can read these books a few weeks before the move or in the days leading up to the big departure. They can become an excellent starting point for discussing it together.

The big day has arrived!
Moving with children is very different from moving alone or as a couple. Trust me, I experienced it not too long ago!

On moving day, many families choose to have their children looked after. If your child is too young to participate, it can indeed simplify the day.

However, if possible, take the time to let them say goodbye to their house. Some children like to take one last tour of the rooms, take a few pictures, or simply spend one last moment in a place that was important to them.

Once you arrive at the new house, try to make the environment as welcoming as possible. Finding their bed, favourite blanket, stuffed animals, or a few familiar toys can be very reassuring.

Of course, it's not always realistic for everything to be set up quickly. And you know what? That's okay. Children often have an ability to adapt that surprises us. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor or camping in a house full of boxes can even become a fun adventure they'll remember for a long time.
Routine: your most precious ally
If there's one thing I hope you take away from this article, it's the importance of routine. Routines are predictable and reassuring. They allow the child to keep certain landmarks while many things are changing around them.

In the days and weeks following the move, try to maintain the usual times for meals, bedtime, and family activities as much as possible. You don't need everything to be perfect. A few stable landmarks are often enough to help the child regain their sense of security.

In conclusion

Your child may experience all sorts of emotions about the move: excitement, curiosity, sadness, worry, or even anger. All these reactions are normal. As a parent, you don't have to make these emotions disappear. Your role is mainly to be present to welcome them, understand them, and support your child through this transition.

I recently experienced a move with my 3 children and a dog, and like many parents, I wondered if I was doing enough to reassure them. In hindsight, I realize that our children don't need everything to be perfect. They mainly need to feel they can count on us during this time of change.

With time, listening, kindness, and a few reassuring landmarks, your child will also come to embrace their new environment. And gradually, this new house will become a new home.