Emotional validation: a precious gift to give your child

Being a parent means navigating an ocean of emotions every day. Your child’s emotions, sometimes overwhelming, sometimes confusing, and of course, your own, which echo theirs. When faced with your child’s tears, anger, sadness, or fear, it’s natural to want to soothe, correct, explain, or make disappear what seems excessive to you. Yet, there is a deeply helpful and structuring approach: emotional validation.

What is emotional validation and why is it so important?

Emotional validation is the act of recognizing, welcoming, and accepting the emotion your child is experiencing, without minimizing, judging, or immediately trying to silence it. This does not mean that you encourage the emotion or find it “justified” according to adult criteria. It simply means that you acknowledge an essential reality:what your child feels is real for them.

For a child, emotions are not abstract. They move through their body, heart, and developing brain. When an emotion is rejected or minimized (“it’s nothing,”
“stop crying,” “you’re overreacting”), the child does not feel reassured. They feel alone with what they’re experiencing. Conversely, when they feel emotionally understood, their nervous system can calm down, and their brain can gradually learn to regulate what they’re feeling.

Emotional validation therefore plays a key role in a child’s emotional development. It teaches them that their emotions are acceptable, that they make sense, and that they are not “too much” or “defective” because they feel intensely. It’s an essential foundation for lasting emotional health.

Welcoming the emotion without validating the behaviour

A fundamental point (and often misunderstood!) is that validating an emotion does not mean approving of a behaviour. You can understand your child’s anger without accepting that they hit. You can acknowledge their frustration without giving in to an inappropriate request.

Emotion and behaviour are two distinct things. Emotion is automatic, involuntary. Behaviour, on the other hand, can be guided, framed, and learned. For example, if your child is shouting because they’re frustrated, you can say:“I see you’re very angry. It’s hard when things don’t go the way you want. ”But it’s also important to set a limit related to the behaviour when it’s inappropriate or dangerous. You can then add:“I can’t let you shout or hit. Let’s find another way to express your anger.”

This way, you send a clear and reassuring message: “Your emotions are accepted, but certain behaviours are not. ” This distinction is crucial because it helps the child not to confuse what they feel with what they’re allowed to do.

What phrases should you use when a child’s emotions overflow?

When your child is experiencing an intense emotion, your role is not to have the perfect phrase but to be present, available, and authentic. Some formulations are particularly supportive of emotional validation:

“I see you’re very sad / angry / disappointed.”
“It looks really hard for you right now.”
“I understand why you feel that way.”
“You’re allowed to feel that.”
“I’m here with you.”
“Take your time, we can breathe together.”

These phrases don’t seek to immediately solve the problem. They show your child that they are seen, heard, and supported. Often, this recognition is enough to reduce the emotional intensity. There are also several tools that can help a child identify the emotion they’re feeling (or the emotions they’re feeling, since they rarely come alone!). Emotion cards or posters, an emotion wheel (there are several models, from very simple ones with only basic emotions to more complex ones that also include emotions like jealousy, disappointment, etc.), and various games (I’ll share my list of favourite games at the end of the article).

Conversely, some phrases, even well-intentioned, can invalidate a child’s emotional experience:“It’s not a big deal,” “Stop crying,” “You’re overreacting,” “There’s no reason to be angry,” “Look, there are worse things,” or “You’re too sensitive.”

As a parent, we often say this kind of thing thinking the emotion will last less long and to spare our child suffering. However, these messages, repeated over time, can teach the child to doubt what they feel, suppress their emotions, or believe they are unacceptable. Thus, the child learns not to show or express their emotions, even though they remain present and may become associated with other emotions (e.g., guilt, feelings of inadequacy at the idea of being unable to control emotional reactions).

I often use the analogy of a pot with children. If emotions are boiling and you put a lid on them, they’re likely to overflow. If they boil but you let the steam escape, the pot won’t overflow!

How does emotional validation nurture trust and self-esteem?

When a child feels emotionally validated, they develop deep trust: the trust that their inner experiences have value. They learn that they can rely on their feelings rather than ignore or fear them.

This emotional trust is directly linked to self-esteem. A child whose emotions are welcomed unconsciously understands:“I deserve to be understood. What I feel matters. I am worthy of attention and respect.”Conversely, a child whose emotions are regularly shut down may develop a self-image marked by shame, guilt, or a sense of inadequacy.

Emotional validation also fosters emotional autonomy. By seeing an adult put words to their emotions, the child gradually learns to name them themselves. They develop an emotional vocabulary, an ability to identify what they’re feeling, and then seek strategies to cope.

Over time, the child won’t need an adult to regulate themselves as much. They’ll have integrated this process within themselves. They’ll know how to say to themselves:“I’m angry, that’s normal, I can breathe, I can ask for help.”This ability is a huge factor in resilience during adolescence and adulthood.

A gradual learning process, for your child and for you

Validating your child’s emotions doesn’t mean you have to be calm all the time or never make mistakes. You’re human. There will be times when you lose patience, minimize, or want to go too fast. The key isn’t perfection but repair. Coming back to your child, acknowledging your mistake, saying:“Earlier, I didn’t listen well to what you were feeling. Do you want to talk about it again?”

By doing this, you show them that relationships can be repaired and that we can learn together, even when our reaction isn’t perfect the first time. Emotional validation is a journey. A journey that requires slowing down, listening, and sometimes tolerating discomfort. But it’s also a deeply transformative journey. By validating your child’s emotions, you help them build solid foundations for their inner life.

Here’s my list of favourite games for developing emotion recognition (in order of complexity):

La Planète des Émotions- Placote
Comment s’est passée ta journée- Mont-à-Mots
Capitaine des émotions-Adajou
Le Laboratoire des émotions- Placote

Here’s an example of an emotion wheel:https://sauterellesetcoccinelles.com/products/apprendre-les-emotions-fr?pr_prod_strat=e5_desc&pr_rec_id=d96170856&pr_rec_pid=8860783870173&pr_ref_pid=7797894021341&pr_seq=uniform