The arrival of a baby in the family: how to prepare the big sister or brother?

The arrival of a baby in the family generally brings great happiness to the growing family. However, for the big sister or brother, and sometimes even for the parents, this stage of life can sometimes be difficult, as it profoundly upsets the family balance and the place and role of each member of the family unit. This transition requires some preparation to make it a little smoother. Preparing your child for the arrival of a new baby can help them cope better with this transition.

Jealousy and insecurity when a baby arrives: how to help the eldest?

In the hearts of toddlers, a host of emotions jostle for attention. Alongside excitement and pride, jealousy and insecurity can often arise. The resulting behaviours can vary greatly from child to child. In many children, it's very common to see regressions, both in terms of sleep and cleanliness, for example. In others, it's opposition and negative attention-seeking behaviours that emerge. First of all, it's important to know that these behaviours are normal, and above all, temporary.

As I only have one child, I went straight to the source and interviewed my little goddaughter, Sarah, aged 6, big sister to Scottie, aged 2 and a half, and Adélaïde, aged 3 months. When I asked her how she felt when Scottie was born, she told me she was "stressed". Her mum added that she experienced this period with a lot of insecurity and even a certain fear of abandonment.

Indeed, the eldest or youngest child may then feel that they are losing their privileged position as the youngest in their parents' eyes, and sometimes even within the extended family. This is what happened to Sarah. Among the winning strategies, her mum told me that spending time alone with Sarah during the day helped her a lot to calm down and prevent tantrums. I imagine that many parents are wondering how to fit this into an already busy schedule with all the care for newborns and the fact that life goes on. This time doesn't need to be long and the activity doesn't need to be anything special. 15 minutes and a game chosen by the child are enough. According to Michèle Lambin, who wrote the wonderful book Frères et Sœurs pour la vie, complicité et rivalité, "when we take the time to play with our child, we enter their world [...] By joining our child in their world, we're telling them how interested we are in them and what they're going through." Play is therefore a unique way of understanding our child better and helping them to accept the arrival of the baby.

How to prepare your child to become a big brother or sister?

To help the child feel important and better understand their role as a big sister or brother, it can be interesting to involve them in the care of the newborn. For example, we can ask them to choose the baby's clothes in the morning or encourage them to show them toys during the baby's awake time. One of the pitfalls to avoid is probably insisting too much on their new role as "big brother/sister" with every disruptive behaviour. This excessive pressure is likely to have more deleterious effects. The eldest is still a child with childlike needs.

For Sarah, the birth of Adélaïde, two years later, went more smoothly. She told me she felt "happy". I imagine she already carried within her all the experience of Scottie's birth. For the child who is not fortunate enough to have already experienced this, preparation before the baby arrives is an essential step. It can be fun to show them photos of themselves as a baby, and explain all the care they received. This helps the child to understand that their little brother or sister will need a lot of time and love, just as they themselves received as a baby. Also, several books are specifically designed to prepare siblings for the arrival of a baby. At the end of the article, you'll find some interesting books according to the child's age.

Preventing rivalry between brothers and sisters

As children grow older, many parents have the habit, often unconsciously, of comparing their children with each other. This is certainly another pitfall to avoid. Instead, try to celebrate the strengths and uniqueness of each of your children when the opportunity arises. They will then feel unique, and this can help to strengthen their self-esteem.

The arrival of the newborn in the child's life brings with it a host of challenges, but it's also an important stage of learning and modelling. Your child will emerge from it grown, more mature and with tools for life in their little bag. And if any behavioural difficulties persist over time, don't hesitate to consult a professional to help you through this important stage. Psychoeducators are professionals specializing in children's behaviour and are very well equipped to help you face the challenges of a growing family.

Sources :

Michèle Lambin, Frères et soeurs pour la vie : complicités et rivalités, Éditions CHU Sainte-Justine, 2016.
Books for children :
T’Choupi a une petite sœur, Thiery Courtin, Les Éditions Nathan (2 to 4 years)
Je suis grand frère, Caroline Jayne Church, Scholastic (2 to 7 years)
Il y a une maison dans ma maman, Gilles Andreae, Vanessa Cabban, Éditions Gauthier Langereau (2 to 7 years)
Frères et Sœurs, Coincés ensemble, aussi bien vous entendre. James J. Christ et Élizabeth Verdick. Éditions Midi Trente (8 to 13 years)